Point Break of the Speed Matrix

Internet,

Thank you for entertaining my shenanigans as I come out of my post-op pain killer stupor.  It’s been well over 48 hours since my surgery and according to my release form I can attempt to eat solid foods now.  Ummmm…. no ma’am.  I haven’t really been in any pain and I’d like to keep it that way.  Call me a snore but gambling on the physical integrity and comfort level of my jawbone is not what I’m about.   So you can keep your T-bones, your French baguettes, your hard shell tacos, your peanut brittle… your… your… other other foods that require an adult set of molars to breakdown!  What I am about is Easy Mac.

This crap is delicious.  In less time than it takes for me to find my take-out menus on 2 Hydrocodone, I can slap together a bowl of cheesy pasta so soft, I eat it with my big girl cereal spoon.

Yeah, I take bit bites with my big girl cereal spoon!   Yeah, I swallow it whole.  Yeah, it’s soft!  Yeah, it fills me up!  Yeah, sometimes I have pudding after if I’m not too full and there’s some in the fridge! What!

So as you can just chew on that, Internet!  Uh, sorry.  I think the meds and being cooped up for days in my apartment have made me oddly aggressive.

Have a lovely weekend,

t

Yeah.  I’m out of surgery now for a few hours.  I have no pain.  I’ve had no pain all day.  You know what I have had???????  Mmmm Vicodin.  It’s delicious.  Here try it.  I’m passing you one through the screen.  No f’real.  Take it.  I have so many!  You’re cool.  You know what else is cool.  Vicodin…Lenny Kravitz and those cell phone video watches I’m sure they have in Japan.  I want one.

Ok later.  I love you.

Tomorrow I’m getting all my wisdom teeth removed from my head.  Yeah, I’m nervous and all that but I’m more afraid of saying weird things to the surgical staff when I come out of my deep sleep.  I’ve never been put under and I don’t know what’ll come out of my mouth (other than my teeth).  I have a hard enough time clearly communicating as it is without generating looks of bewilderment from an unassuming audience.

INT. DENTIST’S OFFICE

(patient waking from anesthesia)

NURSE:  Okay, we’re all done Ms. Tara.  You’re just waking up.

TARA:  I never said I would do the lawn!  Where’s my favorite pair of pants from 1983?  Chocolate popcorn is delicious!  I smell purple!

(patient passes out again)

SCENE.

I went to the oral surgeon today for a consulation regarding the removal of my wisdom teeth.   You see I have all of them.  My mouth gave birth to them when I was a teen and I haven’t had a problem with them until recently.  Right now my gums are kind of pissed at them.  They were all like, “Teef, why you all up under me?  Quit crowdin!  Why you in my business!”  And let’s face it, when your gums are pissed, you’re pissed.  The last few days I haven’t quite been myself.  I come home to my roommate and dog and they say hello and I’m all irritated and yell, “Why you all up under me?  Quit crowdin!  Why you in my business?”  So I made a phone call.

The doctor is a happy go lucky chap that likes to breed Newfoundland dogs in his spare time and destroy the mouths and finances of strangers full time.  You see Dr. E is so good at what he does he doesn’t take any insurance.  Of course.  Why would you?  That shit’s just complicated. 

I’ve just received a PDF of the estimate for removal of all four wisdom teeth while under general anesthesia.  I don’t want to reveal too much here but it rhymes with “boo-thousand” dollars. 

If you know anyone who would needs to hire a surrogate, please tell them to comment here and I will get back to them.

On the upside, I am currently in possession of an Rx for Vicodin.

On the real, can someone bring me a bowl of my mom’s stew, my dog when I was six and the director’s cut of A Room With A View?  That would be great. Thanks.

I don’t want to be dramatic, but if this is my last post.  I want to say that I love each and every one of you readers.