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Point Break of the Speed Matrix

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Monthly Archives: November 2008

For those of you that hail from places that do not sell fried pickles. These are "coozies".

For those of you that hail from places that do not make fried pickles. These are "coozies".

Last night I went to my Southern Belle n20511790_32269142_61241friend’s apartment.  She is moving and needed just a skosh of help packing… just a skosh.  My first duty was to tackle the kitchen.  That’s where I found her collection of twenty-two beer coozies.  Let me repeat that.  That’s where I found her collection of TWENTY-TWO beer coozies.  TWENTY-TWO.  That’s exactly twenty-one more than one coozie which is all anyone needs…which is a superfluous amount to begin with.

The SB is from Alabama and it’s like a law or something for them to have at least five coozies on their person at all times.  Coozies are a southern phenomenon I think.  My Cliff Clavinism on this is that it gets hot in the south…cold bottles of beer sweat in the heat…when bottles perspire they become slippery and people drop them…southerners hate dropping and wasting beer.  Coozies provide added grippage while keeping beverages icy cold.   You’re welcome.

The practical minimalist in me couldn’t keep her mouth shut and I told SB that she needed to get rid of…all of them.  She was not having that so we negotiated down to fifteen coozies.  Good Will is in possession of seven cared for and loved coozies because even poor people deserve cold beer.

Please know that she is still the proud owner of a leopard print coozie with a black faux fur trim, a USA pride coozie and at least two coozies advertising over the counter herpes medication (she works in healthcare).

I wonder what the marketing team for the herpes meds coozie was thinking.  If I had to pitch the idea, I’d say that people who prioritize protecting their beer probably won’t prioritize protecting their naughty bits and when you don’t protect your naughty bits you may get herpes and as long as you’re protecting your beer you should know what herpes meds will cool your burning naughty bits.  Because I guess herpes meds are sort of a “naughty bits coozie”.  You’re welcome.



Superman is not quite himself on Kryptonite.
Superman is not quite himself on Kryptonite.

My attempts to “keep it healthy” are not working out for me so much. 

Yesterday at around 2pm I took my multi-vitamin, a B-50 complex and a niacin tablet.  I had taken these only a couple of times before and never all at once.  It only took 10 minutes before  my face, ears, chest and arms were completely crimson and en fuego.  I looked and felt like I fell asleep in a tanning bed for a week.
I’ve never experienced anything like that.  I thought at first that I had been bitten by something.  I tell my boss that I think I need to go to the hospital.   He took one look at me and just said, “Yeah, let’s get you to a hospital.”
I spent the rest of the afternoon in the ER waiting room looking like an ad for Coppertone SPF (“Don’t let this happen to you on vacation”).
According to Dewey Finn,  you’re not hardcore unless you live hardcore.  So Amy Winehouse can be jealous because the diagnosis was that I OD’d on niacin.  Try to make me go to rehab, and I will say, “NO NO NO.”
I am back to paleness today but still feeling weird.  They gave me some Benadryll and I went to sleep at 8pm last night, which I don’t think I’ve done since the 6th grade.  I am off the niacin until the next time I want to get out of work early.

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I now do the "Dance of Joy".

I now do the "Dance of Joy".

 Dance of Joy



Last night Coobs coobs1 and I went to see Quantum of Solace in Ballston and it was tremendous sexy good times.  I loved Casino Royale and this latest 007 installment did not disappoint.  Daniel Craig, were you made by the “Seximus Maximus” choir of angels?  Where did you come from?  You are so dreamy it almost makes me angry.  Almost.

So thanks to Coobs for putting up with my commentarty during the film which included a lot of “Damn.” and “yeah, that’s right.  uh-huh.” and my treasured one eyebrow raised “oh, really”.  It was his second time seeing the flick so I didn’t feel SO terrible.

I walked to the metro stop all juiced up from the film and I must have looked particulary sinful because I was approached by a fresh faced young man in a suit.  “Hello, miss.  Are you waiting for a friend?  I’d love to chat with you for a moment.”  He looked like he should have been in an ad for a Salt Lake City big brother/ little brother program.   It was very cold out and Daniel Craig was no where near so my tolerance level for random chat with strangers was at a minimum. 

Before he could go on, I interrupted and said, “I’m sorry, but who are you with?”  and still grinning he said, “Well, I am a missionary with the Church of…”

I interrupted again now noticing that he was wearing a name tag that had the “Church of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints” on.   Mormons. 

I decided to not go with an ascerbic response because this kid just looked so hopeful.  So with a big smile on my face, I told a half truth and said: “Oh I see.  Well, I’m Catholic.  So I’m covered.” 

He said, “Well that’s just great.  You have a great evening.”  And I did.

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Once again my beloved Independent Film Channel delivers.  I was watching Music Blast and they played a live performance of PJ Harvey singing “White Chalk”.  This album is a year old and I am a little late in the commentary on this, but then again NONE OF YOU TOLD ME ABOUT HER OUTFIT EITHER.

PJ, I love you.  I’ve loved you back when I was very young and still unknown to man.  So for a whole three weeks I’ve loved you. That being said, why are you trying to scare me?  You look like you came out of Turn of the Screw.  And you know what?  That book scared the shit out of me!  

I know you’re pushing 40 and reinvention is the key to longevity in the business of show but could you please go back to your riot girl-sad-coffee-shop-grunge-but-with-sassy-red-lipstick ‘tude that made me so jealous of you in high school.  Singing sad songs in a wedding dress is just about as good a model for feminism as Sarah Palin.  Ah, I’m just kidding.  I don’t think it’s that severe.  I just wanted to make a hack joke about Palin.  Friends?  K.

So I bought your album anyway because it’s awesome.

“The Piano” is tres chilling as well.

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A very merry unbirthday to me!  I am a little late in finding this out…I think like a year late.  Tim Burton is directing a live action film version of “Alice in Wonderland”.  I am thrilled!  I love Tim Burton movies and “Alice in Wonderland” is my favorite Disney production.  I haven’t read the book but it’s on the list.   I wore out the tape on my VHS when I was little by playing back the part where she’s in the garden and the little rose “Bud” peaks out and says, “I think she’s pretty.”  Twenty years later, I continue to work on the impression.

And of course the Walrus and the Carpenter scene kills me. 

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes—and ships—and sealing-wax—
Of cabbages—and kings—
And why the sea is boiling hot—
And whether pigs have wings.”

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Cleveland celebrates road trips with a bounce.
Cleveland celebrates central air with a bounce.
My friend Cleveland and I hit the turnpike on Saturday to support our DC friends  lined up to perform in the Philadelphia Improv Festival.  It’s only a 2.5 hour drive from DC so we arrived with plenty of time to take in the city before the show began in the evening.  We had schemed to take pics reenacting our favorite scenes from Trading Places, which by the way is the best movie ever filmed in Philadelphia.  Sorry, Philadelphia, you should have been funnier.  However, our touristy priorities  changed when we were greeted with 80 degree heat, 100% humidity and realized we were packed for the Iditarod.   Items on our to do list became pretty basic: stay cool, get the frizz out, see our friends make the jokey jokes and eat some cheesesteaks. 
Trip highlights include:
  • on the dancefloor with Beardy beardy and Cleveland after the shows and realizing we all have sick moves
  • going carnivore for the day at Pat’s Cheesesteakcheesesteaks
  • finding a yummy cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee (DC disappoints)
  • watching some great and some not so great improv from Chicago, NYC, Philly and DC teams
  • realizing I could have fun in a paper bag with Cleveland

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