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Point Break of the Speed Matrix

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Monthly Archives: April 2009

I first saw this Kids in the Hall commercial when I was 15.  I fell in love with Scott Thompson immediately and with his character “Fiore”, such committment.  To give you an idea of how insane I am, whenever I push myself or sacrifice beyond my own comfort level (i.e. waking at 5am to do FYLBC and not hitting snooze) I say, in my best “Fiore”, either aloud or in my head, “NEVER BEFORE MORE THAN I HAD TO BE!”  It still gives me the chuckle I need to get my shizz done.


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Randall, Guinea Pig Anti-Defamation Community Spokespig

Randall, Guinea Pig Anti-Defamation Community Spokespig; Greater S.W.I.N.E. Activist

“I’d like to take this opportunity to reach out to our larger pig brethren in this their darkest hour.  Here is a time for the pig community, both the DISGUSTING and the adorable, to gather together in an effort to rebuild an image that has been long tarnished with judgement and intolerance for those that eat, poop and sleep in the same place.  

Although we are not technically swine, WE ARE ALL PIGS AT HEART and we feel your pain.  Now is the time to raise our voices in unison and indignation!  Positive information will set us free!  Say it with me LOUD,  Squealing Will Ingnite New Education!”


Every day is just another day in the "Tardy Sombrero" for me.

Every day is just another day in the "Tardy Sombrero" for me.

The parade of horribles continues.  What the small prison community faithful to this blog may be fully aware of by now is that I am fated to endure a series of public humiliations before I leave this Earth.   I am fortune’s fool but in reverse.   I don’t find money in the street, buy a Wonka Bar and get the last Golden Ticket.   I bend over to pick up money in the street, split my pants doing so and turn around to see the boy I like saw the whole thing.  Oh and that’s not money in your hand, Tara.  That’s a condom wrapper.

I arrive at the gym at 7am for my appointment with the FYLBC Drill Sergeant.  She informs me that since the gym is just transitioning over to the air conditioning from the heating system that it’s very warm in the gym and we should go out into the hallway for our session; out into the hallway of the Ballston Mall; out into the hallway of the Ballston Mall where non-gym people are already roaming freely (some of them my colleagues) and will bear witness to my exercise routine. 

I don’t protest because I always do what I’m told.  I don’t like to make trouble.  I try to look on the bright side.  Maybe it won’t be that bad.

CUT TO ME:  Red faced, sweaty, lundging down the length of the 3rd floor walkway of the Ballston Mall with the tiniest dumbbells in hand while passersby give me pity stares.


PEOPLE ARTHURI have spent the last half hour trying to find this bit that Bea Arthur did on the 1987 or ’88 American Comedy Awards on youtube… I taped it off the TV when it first aired and watched it repeatedly (like any normal little girl) in order to master the delivery and inflection of a salty post-menopausal woman that’s still “frisky”.  Mind you, I was completely clueless about the sexual innuendo she was about to lay down and didn’t really know what she was talking about… other than something big.
Here’s how it went:
She comes out to the podium to present an award but the envelope is not at the podium.  Then from stage right a man comes out with this HUGE inflated balloon that’s about the size of a poker table.  Taped to the inside of the balloon you can see the envelope.  So when this man crosses the stage to where Bea is he pulls the balloon over his head, then down past his shoulders, then past his waist until he is completely inside of it.
He retrieves the envelope but can’t get out of the balloon to give it to her.   She pulls a hairpin from her head and pops the balloon in one dismissive movement.  She then takes the envelope and stares at him with such judgement and says “Does your mother know what you do for a living?”  Then straight ahead at the camera as he leaves the stage in shame, says in her dryest voice “If that was one size fits all.  I’d like to meet …”All’. “
She may not have written that joke but there surely was no one else who could have delivered it. 
At the age of 50 she was given her own show, “Maude” based on a very brief appearance in one episode of “All In The Family”. 
She was the funniest and the coolest.



Season Six: We are all single and randy.

Season Six: We're never really sure what our motivation is but we always know when someone farted.

I will be performing with my group Season Six on Saturday at The Creek in Long Island City during the 8pm timeslot.  It is part of a weekend long improv/comedy showcase that starts on Friday night and ends on Sunday night.  Please come check out any of the shows… but it would be sweet to see YOU at mine.

I’d like to encourage anyone who may come to check out our friends groups as well: Landlords, Mythical Newsroom, Reverse 5, The Lodge and many more.

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A League of Their Own (1994) Pre-British affect.

I want to make a Madonna acting joke here... but her expression speaks for itself.

I know nothing about baseball but  I’ve seen A League of Their Own and Fever Pitch.   So I know that in baseball:  1) games go well for players when you’re not fighting with your 35 year old “kid” sister who’s jealous of your tallness and awesomeness; 2) it’s better when your manager is sober and learns how to COMMUNICATE with women; and 3) that usually one member of the team is illiterate. 

Oh!  And there’s no crying in it.

And I know as a fan, that you can love the game so much that it doesn’t leave room in your heart for anyone else.  But then you realize you may end up alone and constantly asking yourself, “Did the Sox ever love me back?”   So you should sell your season tickets to win your love back.  But she will stop you because it’s all about the gesture with women.

And that’s baseball to me in 149 words.