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Point Break of the Speed Matrix

Keanu is my Mac. He helps me reach you, Interwebs.

Monthly Archives: December 2009

My friend, Lando Calirissian, is on her way to join me for the decade’s big finish.  You might remember Lando from earlier posts… Her most clicked upon being this one.

  It was but 10 years ago this eve that she, myself and several other dear friends found ourselves on the floor of the Nantucket Ferry doing our best impression of the chuckle patch from The Magic Garden.

Tired from our drive to Cape Cod, the early morning hour and the rocking of a slow moving boat, five young people wound up in a Mexican Standoff with the Sandman about 30 miles offshore.  Some of us dropped our weapons and were taken out fast by Doctor Tonight, while others tried in vain to hold their piece.  But as the minutes wore on our arms grew so very HEAVY.

There we lay tangled across our duffle bags and on each other in an immovable mass of fleece and gortex.  Our pale skin poking out of dark material like streaks of light through a crack of a dirty window, just enough for others to avoid stepping on us.   At first glance it would be hard to determine which of us were actually alive and which of us had just died with our eyes open.   We must have looked like some kind of East-Coast-Irish-Polack-Ratking.   

In these times, at least for us who still had our guns blazin’,  the only natural form of communication is through complaint and/or sarcasm.

Thankfully the ferry TVs were set to coverage of the Millenium celebrations around the world.  Considering the circumstances, the program became the perfect whipping boy for us not to kill each other.  A few of us were awake enough to hear a very enthusiastic John Tesh yelling, “HAPPY NEW YEAR BEIJING!”   And that’s all we needed to survive the ride.

Rat 1: “Like he’s happy for BEIJING!” 

Rat 1: “Hey Tesh, that’s goddamn Hong Kong.” 

Rat 2: “Tell me again how John Tesh became the ambassador of Millenium wishes to our silent political foe.”

Rat 3: “Hey Tesh, my new year’s wish is to smack you until all your hair falls out.”

Rat 1: “Knock knock.”

Rat 3:”Who’s there?”

Rat 1: “It’s me John T-”

Rat 2: “I just shot you, John Tesh.”

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Dear Slava,

Please tell me you seen this delish hipstair with the sad eyes.   His name a Valentine and he big times Ukraine super music FOX.  He ask to Timbaland for produce his music.  So he make this video.  I tell you, his song a little funny-weirds though.  He make joke I think… yeah I think sos.  It don’t matter anytimes, because I could listen to him read from a PHONEBOOTH.  His voice very smooth and give me the stomach pinches.. like a good borscht.

Text, gchats, email, skypes or MMS me!

-Katya

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Because she was obsessed with glamor shots and boobs that year.

This is the 6th grade photo of one of my former improv students.  She hid this little number beneath a coat on photo day at her school.  The top was cut from a dress and she wore leggings with it.  She bandaged, taped and padded her boobs for maximum cleave.   After the snap was taken her parents were called.  If I was her mother, I would have died of pride.

Being cool is just a blind belief in yourself coupled with the confidence that your ideas are the best ones.

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This is part of an email sent to me this morning by my best friend.   Bridget is her 3.5 year old.  Charlotte is her 2.5 year old… who loves Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) more than anything on this planet.  She has one other child… Lucy.

Bridget ripped the arm off of Charlotte’s Sleeping Beauty Doll (Charlotte is unaware at this time.  I didn’t actually see Bridget do it, but I have circumstantial evidence.) 

I said to Bridget, “Did you rip the arm off of Aurora?” 

Bridget: No, I didn’t.

Me: Then who did? 

Bridget:  My brother, Coco.

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I flippin love this woman.  Finally watched Julie & Julia.  *oh Meryl [reluctant eyeroll… that means I love you forever and never wish to be parted from your films]  In a nutshell, Julie Powell sucks and Julia Child is the BALLZ.   I will never say “butter” again without doing my impression of Meryl doing an impression of Julia.  Here’s a delish pic for you readers.  Bon Appétit!

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It happened Linda. We did it.

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If someone made these for me when I was little I would have exploded.

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