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Point Break of the Speed Matrix

Keanu is my Mac. He helps me reach you, Interwebs.

Category Archives: Awkwards

Today I bought floss and I thought of Pretty Woman.  The only thing less believable than the entire premise of the film is the fact that any Hollywood hooker would floss…further still, would floss mid-appointment.  “What’s with this screwy detail?  This doesn’t make any sense to me,” I whisper to no one in CVS aisle 7.   

 Let’s go back to the beginning, shall we?  We are first introduced to Vivian Ward as  a gal trying to pay her rent and has to hunt down her drug addled roommate to collect the money (see Blue Banana sequence).  I get it.  She’s responsible and sober.  Clearly this is no run of the mill hood rat.    But do we buy it yet?

She picks up Richard Gere and instead of having the filithiest road trip discussion on the way to his hotel, she riddles him with…wait for it… TRIVIA.  She’s got knowledge!  Nice touch, Gary.  We ,the audience, have all but forgotten that she refers to three handjobs and letting someone watch her pee as a “slow night”.

Now how ,as a film maker, do you drive this point home?  Well she does bring a “buffet of safety”  to the hotel… but this is life and condoms are not strictly hooker territory.  Gary needs something else… something that says this is the second time she’s ever done sexing for money and before that it was just her high school sweetheart who was killed in a terrible football team bus auto collision.  But what?   *LIGHTBULB*  Oral hygeine!

I can just hear Gary Marshall’s raspy Brooklyn accent at the writer’s meeting:  “Let’s give her some sawt of characta trait so that subcawntiously the awdience knows she’s clean down theh.  Yah know, if she cares about her mouth she cares about her love burger**.  How do we show this people?  Everybody brushes their teeth.  Maw specific maw specific.  Maybe a Sonic Care treatment befaw she leaves faw the night… nah.  What’s cheap?  What can a hookah affawd?  I got it!  FLAWSS!  Write it up!”  

**I like to think that Gary mixes up his euphemisms.

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Today is not awesome for these reasons:

  • traffic caused by the Nuclear Summit closed a metro,  made me super late for work during a stressful week
  • filed my taxes.  My accountant: “Your little acting checks aren’t really helping you out taxwise.”
  • some fool at work ate my Weight Watchers lunch
  • there is a lady on my floor that wears a cheap perfume that smells like a turd soaked in musk
  • I found a $100 dollar charge on my Amex from Match.com, a service I have not used in… a long time, and had to have the following conversation:

Operator:  It’s a great day at Match.com.  How can I help you?

Me: I’m calling to dispute a $100 charge made to my Amex.  I did not receive a renewal notice and I would like to terminate services.

Operator:  Oh ok.  Did you find someone?

Me:  I would like to terminate services.  

My blog hits skyrocketed today with the post about my sweet Amer-Asian delight.  It seems I’m not the only Keanu superfan out there.  Why even this evening my friend found this on the wall of the bathroom of the PIT (People’s Improv Theater) tonight and was considerate enough to send this photo along.  I love the playful use of color and the bold choice of font for this tag but I am quite disappointed in a few youngsters’ stab at humor (see “balls” and “orgy”  top and right).  Tsk tsk you scamps!

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"I carried a watermelon?"

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The big guy upstairs must be laughing preee-hih-teee hard right now.  Because how do we make God laugh?  Make plans.

At the moment all dog adoptions plans are suspended, as Annabelle Blanche has made it crystal clear that there’s only room for three bitches in this condo…  Apparently SOMEONE  didn’t like it when I left this morning for work.  Apparently, when you spend almost all day and night playing with SOMEONE for the past four days and then on the fifth day rationally explain to them that you’ve got work but you’ll be back promptly at 6:30pm before shutting the door behind you that’s when SOMEONE decides they don’t understand English.   Apparently, even though you walked SOMEONE in the morning and were confident they did their business SOMEONE decided to unleash their SECOND and GREATER poop reserve on my lady couch to let me know just HOW upset they were that I left.

Ah yes dogs… so cute, so loving, so full of POOP.  As I hit send on this latest entry Annabelle is sitting on my feet licking her front paws and passing gas.  I continue to look for the hidden cameras that I am sure are somewhere in this circus condo.  Production crew, reveal yourselves!

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Tomorrow I’m getting all my wisdom teeth removed from my head.  Yeah, I’m nervous and all that but I’m more afraid of saying weird things to the surgical staff when I come out of my deep sleep.  I’ve never been put under and I don’t know what’ll come out of my mouth (other than my teeth).  I have a hard enough time clearly communicating as it is without generating looks of bewilderment from an unassuming audience.

INT. DENTIST’S OFFICE

(patient waking from anesthesia)

NURSE:  Okay, we’re all done Ms. Tara.  You’re just waking up.

TARA:  I never said I would do the lawn!  Where’s my favorite pair of pants from 1983?  Chocolate popcorn is delicious!  I smell purple!

(patient passes out again)

SCENE.

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Today I officially lost my mind and started a daily one-sided conversation with John Stamos on Twitter.  I’m sure this will be HILARIOUS…. because I’m making a JOKE… [looks around sheepishly] Uh heh.