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Category Archives: Reviews

New Moon was neither new or a moon. Discuss.

Ok, chowderheads.  I finally watched New Moon.  I know!  Where to begin?  First I want to thank my friend Cara for bringing me Gatorade and keeping me company while I recovered from food poisoning earlier this week (Ted’s Montana Grill in Philadelphia, I give you 2 Flushes).   I also want to thank her for keeping her hands to herself while we watched New Moon on my bed like we were part of  The Unicorn Club.  The restraint shown on her part was admirable.  Any nards, where was I?  Oh yes, The Taylor Lautner Rain-Soaked-Abs Party Train!  Choo-Choo!  All aboard!  Next stop, Naughty Town.

Taylor Lautner plays Jacob Black, Bella’s rebound/friend-with-no-benefits while Edward the pale-face is off being  dead and aloof somewhere.  Jacob starts out in the beginning of the movie all long haired, smiley and SO ready to get a sandwich with Bella anytime.  Then he starts to feel all weird and becomes a recluse for a little bit.  When he emerges he all shorted haired, ripped and speaks with authority.  WHAT?  Well, hello.  He’s like that hippie guy you were friends with in college who always wanted to play frisbee with you while you were on your way to class.  You’d hang out together at a falafel joint on Tuesday nights just because it’s Tuesday.  But you’ve never considered getting naked with this guy… until you see that it’s Career Day for the Engineering School and OH JESUS.. bitch got a haircut and a SUIT!  Damn.  So that’s Jacob’s deal.

Kristen Stewart plays Bella.  Blah.  There is not a lot of dialogue in this movie to begin with but she manages to mope it up real good.  Edwards leaves her and she’s all LeAnn Rimes-ing it when she should go put on her dance pants and make friends with some Whitney.  Am I right ladies?   After coming out of her three month funk she’s like I guess I’ll chill with Forrest at the falafel place and treat him like garbage.   Wait, I did that.  Rewind:  She’s like I’ll chill at the reservation with Jacob and get him to fix up some motorbike for me to ride so that I can tempt death and feel closer to the guy with the dead pee-pee.  Good plan!

Ultimately Jacob is a werewolf that eats trespassing vampires.  He loves Bella and wants her to not bone someone he may have to eat someday.  Bella’s emotions are torn between a tan soloflex that turns into a wolf on occassion and a 108 year old dead guy with a Volvo.  Lady, what are you thinking?

I don’t want to ruin things for you, dear reader, so I’ll just wrap it up there.  Decisions.  Decisions. 

Oh, and Stephanie Meyer, if you’re reading this?  I take issue with the message you are sending tweens and 30 year olds alike with this Bella Swan character.    A guy tells this girl he may kill her and she falls in love with him.  He and his family don’t eat food.  She’s cool with that.  This guy almost gets her killed and leaves her and all she wants to do is die to be with him.   Sweet, smiley Native American abs-roller is a puppy at heart and he and his pack eat muffins together.  She will have none of it.  Really, Stephanie?  Really?

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Hilary Buckholtz has captured all of my childhood memories and put them into one fantastic tumblr blog.

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This post is for Lando Calrissian‘s immediate and the internet’s convenient attention.

1.  How have we not been ABBA for Halloween?  2011!

2.  That set is amazing.  Balloons!

3.  Look at how happy Benny (on the piano)  is going into the second verse (it lasts from 1:26 – 1:29 but 1:29 is just for you lady).

This video is where they take a turn for the dramatic.  I do all my break-ups in the tundra too.  ABBA you are my heart!

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I wonder if Elizabeth Taylor has ever bought a Lean Cuisine, cooked it and then finally understood all the jabs at her White Diamonds commercial.

This is not a novel idea.  Taking a picture of the actual product and comparing it against the advertisement is not ground breaking comedy.  But I’m doing it people.  Because what I was promised and what I got was a difference of Elizabethan proportions… actually Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds proportions.

A Lean Fantasy

Ex. A - The Lie

 

My reality.

Ex. B - The hot messy truth.

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I flippin love this woman.  Finally watched Julie & Julia.  *oh Meryl [reluctant eyeroll… that means I love you forever and never wish to be parted from your films]  In a nutshell, Julie Powell sucks and Julia Child is the BALLZ.   I will never say “butter” again without doing my impression of Meryl doing an impression of Julia.  Here’s a delish pic for you readers.  Bon Appétit!

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Since Oprah is not doing her “favorite things” episode this year I figured I’d chime in with my own faves. 

In no particular order:

COZY

Sod for the Fireplace – If you are lucky enough to have a proper wood burning fireplace in your home then I’d highly recommend getting some true Irish sod  to burn for special occasions.  I can’t describe the smell other than it’s more comforting than burning leaves in the Fall.  Here is a hysterical quote I pulled from a website about turf, “The ambience of the aroma will rekindle for you the romance and nostalgia of Ireland.”

Calvin Klein – All goods 40% off today and tomorrow!  I have my eye on the convertible mittens and popcorn knit scarf.

Travel Size Your Favorites – This is not ground breaking information but it really does make things a lot better when you travel if you don’t take your full sized bath items. I just went to the website and found that both Crabtree and Philsophy carry travel sized bottles of my favorite shower gels and shampoos.  It will make things a little more homey for when you travel next.

SAVORIES

Västerbotten CheeseBuy a wedge of this, a baguette or hard crusted round loaf and a high quality cheese slicer and enjoy.  I ate this for breakfast every morning when I was visiting a friend in Sweden .  There it is considered the “king of cheeses”.

Salmon Pinwheels – I’ve written about these delights before and I shall continue their promotion.  Have you ever had one of these yummies?  It’s smoked salmon rollen around an herb cream cheese and given a wasabi dressing garnish or perhaps a basil leaf and a tooth pick.  You can make it on your own or get them in the salmon section at Whole Foods.

TREATS

Funky Chunky Chocolate Popcorn – All of their products are crazy delicious but chocolate covered popcorn is the salty sweet of my heart.

Godiva Candy Cane Truffles – There would always be a box of Godiva in my house at Christmas.   I think their truffles are the best.  The champagne ones are my fave but I like to try the new seasonal ones.  If I find myself in a mall with a Godiva shop during the holidays, I’ll always buy two.

NERDING

The Nook from Barnes & Noble – It’s the same deal as Kindle from Amazon but it’s called “the nook”  so I’m sold.  The mere mention of the word makes me think “snowy eve, chenile blanket, piping hot cocoa and my latest erotic fiction novel”.

Apple iPhone Walldock – Faster charging and no tangly chords.  It works for all generation iPods too.

SILLIES

Restoration Hardware Stocking Stuffers – There are a lot of brightly colored goodies here.  When I saw the can of “Charades” I knew I would have to get a can for my improv buds and I to play this Winter.

LOCALLY

DC Christmas Markets – It may not be  Nuremberg but it’s ours.  Anyways, you put little white lights on tents on a chilly eve with the faint smell of crepes cooking outside and I dare anyone to complain.

Masa 14 – The new tapas place located next to Bar Pilar on 14th St. is not only delicious but cost effective.  It’s only open two months but I’ve hit this place up about three or four times.  The host and waitstaff have been extremely pleasant and accomodating whenever I needed a table during the dinner rush and we very excited to have people from Source coming by before and after shows.  My fave on the menu is the Serrano Ham Flatbread with goat cheese, cantaloupe, arugula, truffle and lime for only $8.

Washington Improv Theater (“WIT”) – My home away from home.  It serves up the best long form improv in DC and the word is finally getting out.  WIT has grown tremendously in the last few years.  The classes program has triple enrollment and there are more troupes performing than ever.  The run is still going so don’t miss a show!

Woolly Mammoth Theatre Co. –  Chicago’s Neo- Futurists are back with a run of Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind.  They have a special New Year’s Eve performance with a midnight toast that my theater nard friends and I shall be attending.  I love this space almost as much as WIT… almost.

GOOD CAUSES

I think it’s important to contribute to causes for which you have a personal connection.  If you do, you’re interest level will never wane and you’ll find that your eager to contribute your time/attention/money to next event.  There are a lot of worthy causes out there so if you can, just pick one that means something to you. 

I love my dad, a retired police officer, and animals… even the weird ones.

The National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund – On average, one law enforcement officer is killed in the line of duty somewhere in the United States every 53 hours.  I ran the Police Week 5k this past Spring in memoriam of a fallen police officer.  I felt good about completing the race but I felt even better that I did it in honor of someone else. 

Smithsonian National Zoo – I volunteered here for two years .  This zoo is our nation’s largest and in need of the most funding.  Tai Shan, the adorable panda cub that brought national interest to the zoo four years ago is set to return to China in 2010.  

Washington Humane Society – You can send donations directly to the shelter.  These donations help pay for the animals get their medical treatments and meals.  A lot of these animals were found wandering the DC streets or tied outside to an abandoned home.  All they need is some love and they could be a loyal friend for life.

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If you're thinking that I chose to finish the 3rd installment of the Twilight series in lieu of  of doing anything before 6pm on Sunday then you are... you are... VERY PRESUMPTUOUS MY DEAR MAN.  SIR.  LADY.  PERSON!

If you're thinking that I chose to finish the 3rd installment of the Twilight series in lieu of of doing anything before 4pm on Sunday then you are... you are... VERY PRESUMPTUOUS MY DEAR MAN... SIR... LADY... PERSON!

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