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Point Break of the Speed Matrix

Keanu is my Mac. He helps me reach you, Interwebs.

Category Archives: Truth

Today I bought floss and I thought of Pretty Woman.  The only thing less believable than the entire premise of the film is the fact that any Hollywood hooker would floss…further still, would floss mid-appointment.  “What’s with this screwy detail?  This doesn’t make any sense to me,” I whisper to no one in CVS aisle 7.   

 Let’s go back to the beginning, shall we?  We are first introduced to Vivian Ward as  a gal trying to pay her rent and has to hunt down her drug addled roommate to collect the money (see Blue Banana sequence).  I get it.  She’s responsible and sober.  Clearly this is no run of the mill hood rat.    But do we buy it yet?

She picks up Richard Gere and instead of having the filithiest road trip discussion on the way to his hotel, she riddles him with…wait for it… TRIVIA.  She’s got knowledge!  Nice touch, Gary.  We ,the audience, have all but forgotten that she refers to three handjobs and letting someone watch her pee as a “slow night”.

Now how ,as a film maker, do you drive this point home?  Well she does bring a “buffet of safety”  to the hotel… but this is life and condoms are not strictly hooker territory.  Gary needs something else… something that says this is the second time she’s ever done sexing for money and before that it was just her high school sweetheart who was killed in a terrible football team bus auto collision.  But what?   *LIGHTBULB*  Oral hygeine!

I can just hear Gary Marshall’s raspy Brooklyn accent at the writer’s meeting:  “Let’s give her some sawt of characta trait so that subcawntiously the awdience knows she’s clean down theh.  Yah know, if she cares about her mouth she cares about her love burger**.  How do we show this people?  Everybody brushes their teeth.  Maw specific maw specific.  Maybe a Sonic Care treatment befaw she leaves faw the night… nah.  What’s cheap?  What can a hookah affawd?  I got it!  FLAWSS!  Write it up!”  

**I like to think that Gary mixes up his euphemisms.

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Today is not awesome for these reasons:

  • traffic caused by the Nuclear Summit closed a metro,  made me super late for work during a stressful week
  • filed my taxes.  My accountant: “Your little acting checks aren’t really helping you out taxwise.”
  • some fool at work ate my Weight Watchers lunch
  • there is a lady on my floor that wears a cheap perfume that smells like a turd soaked in musk
  • I found a $100 dollar charge on my Amex from Match.com, a service I have not used in… a long time, and had to have the following conversation:

Operator:  It’s a great day at Match.com.  How can I help you?

Me: I’m calling to dispute a $100 charge made to my Amex.  I did not receive a renewal notice and I would like to terminate services.

Operator:  Oh ok.  Did you find someone?

Me:  I would like to terminate services.  

I’m putting this in a nice frame for my office. 

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Tara's 5th birthday

Sometimes I need to remind myself of how I used to operate.  When I was little, I was able to enjoy those brief moments in the sun and not let anything silly wipe the smile off my face.  We can’t please all of the people all of the time but we can enjoy personal successes without guilt or apologies.

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They're siblings.

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Day 17:  I’m on my second day of OJ.  It’s weird.  Yestday I drank 3/4 of a carton of OJ throughout the day along with lots of water and I felt full.  I should be moving onto some raw fruits and veggie broth tomorrow.  It’ll be 21 days before I eat solids again but I’m done writing about this.  I bore me. 

I will say that I feel great and have lots of energy.  I feel more creative and have been more productive than I’ve been in a long time.   All in all, I’d have to say that it’s been a totally positive experience and I plan to do another this year.

Oh and Beyonce, I’m better than you.

(I still think you’re super cool… but I’m better.)

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Awesome.  More juicing.Day 16:  The end is in sight.   Today I start drinking OJ instead of the lemonade concoction in order to prepare my system for solid foods again.  It’ll be a few days of this and then I can move on to vegetable broth!  This sounds so pathetic. 

Yesterday, I spent an hour researching the best “cauliflower mashed potato” recipes.  I need one of those cuisinarts.  All great recipes require a stage of blending or pureeing. 

I have two birthday parties to go to this weekend.  This should be interesting.  Apart from teaching and rehearsing I have been pretty anti-social during this cleanse.  It’s easier that way.  But I can’t skip these birthdays because I actually like these people.  I’m sure it will be fine.  I’ll just drink lemon with seltzer and tell everyone I’m pregnant.

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