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Point Break of the Speed Matrix

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Tag Archives: Jokes

No one knows for the future but I am wondering if David Letterman is wishing he had named his production company something different.

I’m not saying that he could have known that he would be involved in a very public extortion plot airing his sexual indiscretions.  What I am saying is that he could have been  self-aware enough to acknowledge his place in the world as a public figure who enjoys dropping the sex bomb on his female staff members (there’s a “staff” and a “member” joke in here somewhere).  It just seems a little naive.   While one does hope that discretion shall govern such relationships, it behooves one to hope for the best and plan for the worst.   After all a blythe reliance upon someone else’s morality, in situations requiring complete secrecy, is simply playing with fire. 

My point being: adding the word “pants”  to a production company name that will be associated with him in perpetuity was grossly imprudent on his part.  No?

I foresee some yet to be written headlines:

“Lover’s Worked For Letterman’s Pants”

“Letterman’s Pants Well Staffed”

“Future Uncertain for Letterman’s Pants”

 

 

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Randall, Guinea Pig Anti-Defamation Community Spokespig

Randall, Guinea Pig Anti-Defamation Community Spokespig; Greater S.W.I.N.E. Activist

“I’d like to take this opportunity to reach out to our larger pig brethren in this their darkest hour.  Here is a time for the pig community, both the DISGUSTING and the adorable, to gather together in an effort to rebuild an image that has been long tarnished with judgement and intolerance for those that eat, poop and sleep in the same place.  

Although we are not technically swine, WE ARE ALL PIGS AT HEART and we feel your pain.  Now is the time to raise our voices in unison and indignation!  Positive information will set us free!  Say it with me LOUD,  Squealing Will Ingnite New Education!”

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On the way home from rehearsal last night I was telling Coobs (thanks again for the sweet ride in the ’96) that I have an embarassing lack of new music in my itunes library.  I am becoming one of those tools that will buy every new generation of ipod only to store ten different live versions of “Gold Dust Woman” on it (but f* you for judging because secretly you know that song is HARSH.  Stevie!). 

I am becoming a little self-conscious about my music tastes growing stale as I enter an age which may be described by teenage boys like this:  “How old?  Oh yeah, she a time fighta!”  I mean, not that I care what teenage boys think.  I totally don’t.  Really!   I was just trying to make a joke here!  Why are you looking at me that way?  Don’t!  It was a joke.  J-O-K-E.   Keep your wig on, ok?  Gahd.

So I am welcoming any and all song/artist suggestions to add to my adorbs little shuffle that will keep me hip and fresh like trucker hats or ironic t-shirts.  See?  Didn’t think I would be hip to that did you, Lawrence?  Well I am!  So you can tell your brosephs in fifth period that one! 

Where was I?  Oh, yeah music. 

In the meantime, I will continue to patron the artists I loved in high school, like PJ Harvey,  as they continue to churn out amazing tunes a decade later.

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"Rockstar" (2000)

"Rockstar" (2000)

Hey, remember this piece of crap starring Jennifer Aniston and Mark Wahlberg?

Yeah, I forgot about it too.

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star_trek1“The $600 million mission is named after Johannes Kepler, a 17th-century German astronomer who was the first to correctly explain planetary motion… Calling it a mission that may fundamentally change humanity’s view of itself, NASA on Friday prepared to launch a telescope that will search our corner of the Milky Way galaxy for Earth-like planets.”

That’s cool.  I hope they search for some Earth-like money too.

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In one of my favorite episodes of “30 Rock”  titled “The Fighting Irish“, Jack Donaghy comes to blows with his brother, played by Nathan Lane.  Before they get to it, each one introduces their fists by name.   Since I am participating in the F.I.S.T. tournament I thought it’s only polite to introduce my ladies to the competition.   

So now suckas, you may quake before [raises right fist] ROMA DOWNEY and [raises left fist] DELLA REESE.

When you see my ladies coming, start PRAYING.

When you see my ladies coming, start PRAYING.

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When I was an editorial assistant for a hot minute at Palgrave I had the opportunity to title a book.  My editor liked my suggestion of  “Something in the Air” at a meeting and it was the working title until I left Palgrave.  The author never liked my suggestion and eventually got her way which was to give this book she wrote on farting a less esoteric title. 

I learned years later that the title became “On Farting“.  

But what is it really about?

But what is it really about?

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