Point Break of the Speed Matrix

Please disregard this letter if someone stole your underwear.

Dear Nudie,

Excuse me.  Hi there.   Did I startle you?  No?  Oh that’s weird.  I was convinced that you were unaware of anyone else in the locker room as you stood in a turtle neck completely buck nude from the waist down while brushing your hair in front of the full length mirror for quite some time this morning. 

This is awkward but do you think you could find some underwear and then like wear them?  I mean, I hate to be a total square here but I’m Irish Catholic.  And although we’ve never spoken, based on your sitch downtown, I’ve deduced that you’re more of a free spirit.   Good for you.  While I do appreciate the personal preference for your shame shame to air dry, can I ask that you do that on your own time in the privacy of your tee-pee or wherever hippies live? 

Listen, just hear me out.  I’m a woman.  I get it.  Be comfortable in your own skin.  Right on!  I also understand that a little bit of nudie pudity is necessary in public lockerrooms.  But I think the key element that you’re missing here is brevity.  Call me crazy but here’s how it should go: towel off, bra on, undies on.  There.  You don’t even have to put on all of your clothes.  I’d just prefer that you do the bare minimum before you park it in front of the mirror.  See right now you’re doing: towel off, bra on, turtle neck on and then just stopping.  See how that’s not making any sense?  You’re adding an extra element to the top and completely ignoring your lower half.  I think maybe your brain is a little mixed up.  It’s like dressing dyslexia.  After you put on your bra your brain told you do put on another garment but then instead of going for what should naturally go next (underpants) your brain flipped it and added another element to your top half.  Does this sound right?  I’m no doctor but I think I’ve just diagnosed you.

So in the future, after you cover up your top, ignore that first instinct to keep layering and just address what’s still bare.  Got it?  Fantastic. 

And while I do appreciate the gods sense of humor, yours was not the muffin I had wanted for breakfast.

Sincerely,

Tara

Tags: Awkwardsies, Nudity