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Point Break of the Speed Matrix

Keanu is my Mac. He helps me reach you, Interwebs.

Tag Archives: Writings

A League of Their Own (1994) Pre-British affect.

I want to make a Madonna acting joke here... but her expression speaks for itself.

I know nothing about baseball but  I’ve seen A League of Their Own and Fever Pitch.   So I know that in baseball:  1) games go well for players when you’re not fighting with your 35 year old “kid” sister who’s jealous of your tallness and awesomeness; 2) it’s better when your manager is sober and learns how to COMMUNICATE with women; and 3) that usually one member of the team is illiterate. 

Oh!  And there’s no crying in it.

And I know as a fan, that you can love the game so much that it doesn’t leave room in your heart for anyone else.  But then you realize you may end up alone and constantly asking yourself, “Did the Sox ever love me back?”   So you should sell your season tickets to win your love back.  But she will stop you because it’s all about the gesture with women.

And that’s baseball to me in 149 words.



I am stealing this topic from Nick Nadel’s facebook status but not his slogans.  **Sidenote: Nick, I think you should most def go with “Listen to Ginuwine in ’09”.

Top 10 Slogans for Tara in ’09 (in size order… also be prepared to read the greatest list ever written):

  1. Everything’s FINE in ’09
  2. Avoiding every FELINE in ’09
  3. Stalking strictly ONLINE in ’09
  4. Buying only boxed WINE in ’09
  5. Not sharing and yelling, “MINE!” in ’09
  6. No longer answering to “CLEMENTINE” in ’09
  7. Commenting more on things that smell of PINE in ’09
  8. Smacking people who say things like, “It’s a SIGN.” in ’09.
  9. Eating more oatmeal so that my hair and nails will SHINE in ’09
  10. Growing tomatoes so that I can say they were picked “straight off the VINE” in ’09.

They are all so amazing.  I still don’t know which one I’ll be using all year!

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People ask me how long I’ve been into comedy.  I have been a supreme neo-maxi zoon dweebie comedy nard since I can remember anything.  When I was in the first grade I peed my pants at school and didn’t care because my best friend made me laugh so hard.  I thought the joke was well worth the embarrassment.

I was going through some old papers from high school and found one that I got an “A” on my junior year.  I kept it because I surprised that the battle-axe of a nun who taught me gave me such a generous grade. My comments in class never seemed to amuse her no matter how hard I tried.

Re-reading this thing made me laugh out loud because of what a total asshole I sound like and how I truly believed I could create a formula for success in the arts…no matter how vague the details.  I particularly enjoyed reading about the schedule I set for my parents (ah the heighth of teen angst)…whom I speak to everyday and sometimes more than that if my mother sees Steve Martin on TV and has to call again so she can tell me to tune in.  It’s embarrassing.  So enjoy!


Ten Years From Now  By: [Future Admin for Point Break of the Speed Matrix]

I’m twenty-six years old and I’m a writer for the “Late Show with David Letterman” and Saturday Night Live.  As you can imagine my schedule is very busy.  I work at NBC Studios, from 8am to 12pm, in Rockefeller Center and from there I travel across town to the Ed Sullivan Theater, where the “Late Show” is taped.  I usually work until 7pm unless there is a specific project I am managing with the rest of the writers.  The job is demanding but so gratifying when you hear the audience laughing.

When I’m at home, a large two bedroom Upper East Side apartment shared with a roommate and my dog Norman, I watch the news, read the papers and gather as much information as I can for the sketches I write and the opening monologue.  I try to talk to my parents three times a week and once a month I go and spend the weekend.  Usually they just show up on surprise visits.  They are still surprised that I made it in the business so quickly.

Actually it didn’t happen overnight.  While in my sophomore year at NYU I had written the “Late Show” letters saying that I was interested in working as a page or intern, or anything that would get me in the door.  A dozen letters later I was hired as a page.  As soon as I got in the offices I made out an application for an internship and received an acceptance that summer.  I was an intern for two years and upon graduation I was hired as a news researcher for the opening monologue.  After establishing myself as a writer the work load increased and so did my salary.  Four years later I’m one of the head writers for the most watched late night shows on television.  

As for Saturday Night Live, all I did was send in my resume and they hired me a week later.

I lead a very happy life and I love what I do.  Not only do I have two jobs but I also volunteer at the pediatric ward of Lennox Hill Hospital when I can.  Helping others when I know I have the means to do so makes me feel good about myself.



I did live in a fab UES apartment with a roommate for almost three years.  No dog though.  😦

I did work in Rockefeller Center…but for a bloodsucking law firm that made me cry on my first day.

I have been inside NBC studios as an audience member for the Conan O’Brien show…twice.  That’s right.

A show I co-wrote for UCB was directed by an SNL weekend update contributor.

Before Tina Fey got really famous I looked her up on the UVA alumni webpage and got her office number at SNL.  I called once to hear her voicemail.

I volunteered at the National Zoo for 1.5 years and saw a lot of kids there.

I’ve never had a job that only lasted from 8am – 12pm.

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