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Monthly Archives: December 2008

Grand.  Today’s work day was yet another one for the ole blog.  I had another embarassing run in with my boss.  I think it’s equal parts his fault as well as mine.  I debated about sharing this because it’s pretty embarassing.  Actually, there is nothing pretty about it, just the opposite in fact.

Maybe it's not this bad, but I've looked better.

Maybe it's not this bad, but I've looked better.

I don’t know what the junk is up with my face this week but I have two new little friends hanging out on my chin and my neck.  Wait, did I say little?  Actually, that’s a lie.  Let me put it this way, if most zits could be compared to lithe waiffish Eastern Europeans then these two abominations are their husky cornfed middle American cousins.  I am UG to the LY today.

Anyway, there is really nothing I can do about Captain Acne on my chin.  Trying to cover it up would be like covering up a murder scene with a doily.  It’s just pointless.  I have to be patient and ride this one out.  The other guy found a lovely home dead center on my neck.   I thought a turtleneck might do the trick but of course it’s just above the the fabric line.  So I decided to wear a scarf all day in a pathetic attempt to lessen the humiliation of having blemishes well beyond my teen years.

I should have known better.  In hindsight, I realize that wearing a scarf indoors only draws more attention to me, my face, my neck, and of course what lies beneath.  I now think disguising them with little baby moustaches might have been less conspicuous.

Here is what transpired:

Boss:  The scarf?  Are you really cold or are you trying to cover up hickeys from the weekend?  

Me:  (so thrown by the comment I wasn’t quick enough to lie, instead full verbal diarrhea)  I don’t know what’s going on with my face this week but see?[points to chin]  Well, I got another doozie right here.  See?   [pulls away scarf and points at  neck] I think maybe it’s from all the rich food my mother cooked, or stress or this new make-up I tried.  I am just not used to this and I am really not ok with it.

Boss:  [laughing at me] I realize how inappropriate the question was.  You didn’t have to answer.  You know I was just kidding, right?  

Me:  Yes.  But I couldn’t think fast enough to lie and then I thought that if I didn’t show you my shame that you would think it’s hickeys… especially since I plan to wear it again tomorrow.  

Boss: It’s probably stress.

We then dial into our conference call.

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Coobs, Cleveland and I performed on Saturday night in a show called “Spam Folder”.  Cleveland replaced Red Hoodie last minute because of scheduling conflicts.  The conflict being that Red Hoodie moved to a place that is not metro accessible called “Los Angeles”.  Fine.  

The premise of the show is that we are Spam emails that have the same problems as regular people but also have an ever present fear of deletion.   I know! SOLID GOLD.  

I don’t want to brag but I never studied art formally and managed to create these masterpieces.  Here is the original line up:

spam-folder

 

 

 

I added a little edge and anonymity to my folder this time around: 

img_1115

 

 

 

 

I didn’t get a chance to get a group photo with Coobs and Cleveland after the show but highlights include:

-warming up backstage with Cleveland doing “5 Things” .  I say to Cleveland, “5 Things you like about mascara.”  One of her replies said hastily was, “It makes boys like me!”

-I asked the audience to get us started with a word and someone said “Bar Mitzvah”, as I have posted before I busted my eardrum a few years ago and apparently I still miss things from time to time…so I said, “Great.  Tarantula!  Thank you!”

-Coobs got deleted and we had a little funeral for him.  We ended on a big laugh and he rose from the dead to say, “Thank you!  Good night!”

It was bittersweet and a great way to end the Winter run at the theater.

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I am stealing this topic from Nick Nadel’s facebook status but not his slogans.  **Sidenote: Nick, I think you should most def go with “Listen to Ginuwine in ’09”.

Top 10 Slogans for Tara in ’09 (in size order… also be prepared to read the greatest list ever written):

  1. Everything’s FINE in ’09
  2. Avoiding every FELINE in ’09
  3. Stalking strictly ONLINE in ’09
  4. Buying only boxed WINE in ’09
  5. Not sharing and yelling, “MINE!” in ’09
  6. No longer answering to “CLEMENTINE” in ’09
  7. Commenting more on things that smell of PINE in ’09
  8. Smacking people who say things like, “It’s a SIGN.” in ’09.
  9. Eating more oatmeal so that my hair and nails will SHINE in ’09
  10. Growing tomatoes so that I can say they were picked “straight off the VINE” in ’09.

They are all so amazing.  I still don’t know which one I’ll be using all year!

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Is this why the poor smell bad?

Is this why the poor smell bad?

I have been trying to “trim the fat” in my budget by cutting down on personal indulgences.  I’m being pretty stupid about it. 

Rather than do what most people do when it’s time to tighten the purse strings, like getting rid of  expensive cable channels.  I decided that the best way to save money was to buy cheaper personal hygeine products.  WTF, Tara?  Yeah, because I want men to leave me the hell alone!

I made the decision to switch from pricy Pantene to the more wallet friendly Suave.  I didn’t take a sniff before I bought a huge tub of it for like $0.69.   Well, now I am regretting it.  I can’t quite put my finger on the odor but the best way to describe what my hair smells like today is “angry mothballs”.

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Growing up there were few times all of my immediate family could be found in the kitchen howling with laughter.   My siblings are a lot older than me and were always in and out of the house.  My parents being foreign and religious do not always share the same sense of humour as their children.   And then again I am just a big weirdo that didn’t share the same sense of humor with anyone else.  I can remember one time I sent the family into hysterics because when I was around 6 years old I left the dinner table, rummaged through some bathroom drawers and came back into the kitchen with a maxi-pad stuck to my forehead. 

The other thing that made us laugh was Frank Kelly’s “Irish 12 Days of Christmas”.  Every year my mom would tune into the Fordham radio station coming from the Bronx (where there is a large Irish community) and we would sit around the kitchen table peeling carrots and, yes, potatoes while this was playing in the background.  It is my favorite Christmas memory.

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Last night Cleveland cleveland hosted a Hannukah party at her place.  Guests were encouraged to bring a “white elephant” gift for a gift exchange game.  I had never heard of this.  “Secret Santa” sure, I’ve done those aplenty.  But I had no idea what this “white elephant” business was about.  Apparently, everyone brings a wrapped gift.  The gift is something from your house that you don’t need, want anymore, use, or just hate.  Then everyone draws numbers and takes a gift in the order of their number.  If you have not yet picked a gift, you can steal someone’s gift if you  prefer it over the surprise that awaits you. 

Drawing number 1 is the worst spot to be in because you have to take from the unknown and you may not have a chance to steal anyone elses gift.  Naturally, I draw number 1.

Me being greedy and uncharitable during the holiday season, I pick from the pile what I deem to be the most beautifully wrapped present.  My thought process being that no one would waste such pretty wrapping paper on junk.  Well… as soon as I broke the seal on the paper an aroma that singed my nose hairs emitted from the package.  I became the proud owner of  Happy Hippy bath gel and soap bar.  I have loathed the smell of petchouli since I sat next to a girl in 10th grade pre-cal class that swam in it.  I was not happy.  Oh and how they laughed at me!  Everyone delighted in my pouting.  I was so pissed I thought about taking the menorah to the curtains and setting everything ablaze!

But ultimately I love Cleveland and she works hard for her apartment so  I couldn’t do that.   And the fates did eventually smile on me.  Cleveland’s best friend and roommate Faye is in art school and one of her artsy fartsy girlfriends had to have that Happy Hippy.  So that left me with no gift and the opportunity to STEAL from someone who already had one.  I took some pens from Urban Outfitters that had dirty things written on them like, “Verdant Fields Nudist Camp”.    I was pleased.  But an overwhelming sense of Christian compassion came over me and I couldn’t in good conscience keep 8 dirty pens all to myself.  So I split them with the girl I swiped them from.   Everyone’s a winner!

**Honorable mention to Kate S. who brought the pens for the White Elephant and made the most delicious cheese dip which I devoured like a man beast.

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In a showcase hosted by the Washington Improv Theater, my improv troupe DMG is performing our last show of the Winter run this Thursday night at 8pm at Source (14th & T St. NW) followed by our friends Vic Speedboat (featuring Red Hoodie) and Season Six.   Please come out and help us make merry for the holidays in our own special ways.

It’s also my friend Red Hoodiered-hoodie3‘s last night in town for a while.

 

 

He’s leaving a city where people like this live:

 

and going to live in a place where people like this live:

…and people who wear things like this:

redestofhoodies

We’ll be at Bar Pilar or Cafe St. Ex  making our case for him to stay after the shows.  Come join us.

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