Point Break of the Speed Matrix

New Moon was neither new or a moon. Discuss.

Ok, chowderheads.  I finally watched New Moon.  I know!  Where to begin?  First I want to thank my friend Cara for bringing me Gatorade and keeping me company while I recovered from food poisoning earlier this week (Ted’s Montana Grill in Philadelphia, I give you 2 Flushes).   I also want to thank her for keeping her hands to herself while we watched New Moon on my bed like we were part of  The Unicorn Club.  The restraint shown on her part was admirable.  Any nards, where was I?  Oh yes, The Taylor Lautner Rain-Soaked-Abs Party Train!  Choo-Choo!  All aboard!  Next stop, Naughty Town.

Taylor Lautner plays Jacob Black, Bella’s rebound/friend-with-no-benefits while Edward the pale-face is off being  dead and aloof somewhere.  Jacob starts out in the beginning of the movie all long haired, smiley and SO ready to get a sandwich with Bella anytime.  Then he starts to feel all weird and becomes a recluse for a little bit.  When he emerges he all shorted haired, ripped and speaks with authority.  WHAT?  Well, hello.  He’s like that hippie guy you were friends with in college who always wanted to play frisbee with you while you were on your way to class.  You’d hang out together at a falafel joint on Tuesday nights just because it’s Tuesday.  But you’ve never considered getting naked with this guy… until you see that it’s Career Day for the Engineering School and OH JESUS.. bitch got a haircut and a SUIT!  Damn.  So that’s Jacob’s deal.

Kristen Stewart plays Bella.  Blah.  There is not a lot of dialogue in this movie to begin with but she manages to mope it up real good.  Edwards leaves her and she’s all LeAnn Rimes-ing it when she should go put on her dance pants and make friends with some Whitney.  Am I right ladies?   After coming out of her three month funk she’s like I guess I’ll chill with Forrest at the falafel place and treat him like garbage.   Wait, I did that.  Rewind:  She’s like I’ll chill at the reservation with Jacob and get him to fix up some motorbike for me to ride so that I can tempt death and feel closer to the guy with the dead pee-pee.  Good plan!

Ultimately Jacob is a werewolf that eats trespassing vampires.  He loves Bella and wants her to not bone someone he may have to eat someday.  Bella’s emotions are torn between a tan soloflex that turns into a wolf on occassion and a 108 year old dead guy with a Volvo.  Lady, what are you thinking?

I don’t want to ruin things for you, dear reader, so I’ll just wrap it up there.  Decisions.  Decisions. 

Oh, and Stephanie Meyer, if you’re reading this?  I take issue with the message you are sending tweens and 30 year olds alike with this Bella Swan character.    A guy tells this girl he may kill her and she falls in love with him.  He and his family don’t eat food.  She’s cool with that.  This guy almost gets her killed and leaves her and all she wants to do is die to be with him.   Sweet, smiley Native American abs-roller is a puppy at heart and he and his pack eat muffins together.  She will have none of it.  Really, Stephanie?  Really?

Tags: Movies