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Point Break of the Speed Matrix

Keanu is my Mac. He helps me reach you, Interwebs.

Tag Archives: Movies

New Moon was neither new or a moon. Discuss.

Ok, chowderheads.  I finally watched New Moon.  I know!  Where to begin?  First I want to thank my friend Cara for bringing me Gatorade and keeping me company while I recovered from food poisoning earlier this week (Ted’s Montana Grill in Philadelphia, I give you 2 Flushes).   I also want to thank her for keeping her hands to herself while we watched New Moon on my bed like we were part of  The Unicorn Club.  The restraint shown on her part was admirable.  Any nards, where was I?  Oh yes, The Taylor Lautner Rain-Soaked-Abs Party Train!  Choo-Choo!  All aboard!  Next stop, Naughty Town.

Taylor Lautner plays Jacob Black, Bella’s rebound/friend-with-no-benefits while Edward the pale-face is off being  dead and aloof somewhere.  Jacob starts out in the beginning of the movie all long haired, smiley and SO ready to get a sandwich with Bella anytime.  Then he starts to feel all weird and becomes a recluse for a little bit.  When he emerges he all shorted haired, ripped and speaks with authority.  WHAT?  Well, hello.  He’s like that hippie guy you were friends with in college who always wanted to play frisbee with you while you were on your way to class.  You’d hang out together at a falafel joint on Tuesday nights just because it’s Tuesday.  But you’ve never considered getting naked with this guy… until you see that it’s Career Day for the Engineering School and OH JESUS.. bitch got a haircut and a SUIT!  Damn.  So that’s Jacob’s deal.

Kristen Stewart plays Bella.  Blah.  There is not a lot of dialogue in this movie to begin with but she manages to mope it up real good.  Edwards leaves her and she’s all LeAnn Rimes-ing it when she should go put on her dance pants and make friends with some Whitney.  Am I right ladies?   After coming out of her three month funk she’s like I guess I’ll chill with Forrest at the falafel place and treat him like garbage.   Wait, I did that.  Rewind:  She’s like I’ll chill at the reservation with Jacob and get him to fix up some motorbike for me to ride so that I can tempt death and feel closer to the guy with the dead pee-pee.  Good plan!

Ultimately Jacob is a werewolf that eats trespassing vampires.  He loves Bella and wants her to not bone someone he may have to eat someday.  Bella’s emotions are torn between a tan soloflex that turns into a wolf on occassion and a 108 year old dead guy with a Volvo.  Lady, what are you thinking?

I don’t want to ruin things for you, dear reader, so I’ll just wrap it up there.  Decisions.  Decisions. 

Oh, and Stephanie Meyer, if you’re reading this?  I take issue with the message you are sending tweens and 30 year olds alike with this Bella Swan character.    A guy tells this girl he may kill her and she falls in love with him.  He and his family don’t eat food.  She’s cool with that.  This guy almost gets her killed and leaves her and all she wants to do is die to be with him.   Sweet, smiley Native American abs-roller is a puppy at heart and he and his pack eat muffins together.  She will have none of it.  Really, Stephanie?  Really?

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Kathryn Bigelow:

– Oscar’s first female winner for Best Director.

-beat out her ex-husband James Cameron and his juggernaut of a film Avatar for best director and best picture.

-is an unbelievable 58.

-got to have this moment (see below).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– just also happened to direct…

 

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"I carried a watermelon?"

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I flippin love this woman.  Finally watched Julie & Julia.  *oh Meryl [reluctant eyeroll… that means I love you forever and never wish to be parted from your films]  In a nutshell, Julie Powell sucks and Julia Child is the BALLZ.   I will never say “butter” again without doing my impression of Meryl doing an impression of Julia.  Here’s a delish pic for you readers.  Bon Appétit!

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No more facebook, twitter or cool blog theme changes from my work ‘puter.  Sads.  We had a good run, Internet.  I can still access this blog during the work day but I imagine it’s only a matter of time before they take that away too. 

I feel like Chunk trying to get that last bite of ice cream before the Fratelli’s snatch it all away.

But I am resourceful, Keanu shall wait for my use at home and I will figure out how to do mobile situations and the like. 

 

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I know two girls who are psyched for this movie…

KatyaandYaroslava

"Hey, did somebody say BATTLE DANCE MOVIE FILM? We are so down times!"

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If you’ve never had the hots for Liam Neeson at some point then you, like Bruce Jenner, are a complete mystery to me.  He may be Ireland’s greatest export after Roma Downey and binge drinking.   There’s not much for me to do in regards to a formal “review” as there is minimal dialogue in this international-cinematic-bar-fight but I shall do my best. 

Frankly, this is more of a “what’s up” than a review.  So ok, Liam Neeson’s daughter goes to SCARY CORRUPT…wait for it… PARIS, FRANCE!!!!!  She is then TAKEN by SCARY foreigners who want her American bod to make sex times on Shieks for free or whatever.  I know!  She was THANKFULLY on the phone with Captain Ireland when she gets abducted.  Again, THANKFULLY, the Pride of the North has crazy Navy Seal ninja skills and some magic box that can decipher the burp he overheard in the background that gives him all the info he needs to start crackin’ skulls in gay Pareeee. 

Here’s how the rest of it goes down.  Rob Roy gets off the plane and he’s all, “Hey you guy in the leather jacket?!  Voulez-vous- ah screw it!”  BOOM.  DEAD.  Next scene: “Oh hey what’s up guy in an alley way in Paris?  You look screwey. ”  BOOM.  DEAD.  Next scene: [whistling whistling]  EXPLOSION! 

I think you follow.

In a nutshell, run don’t walk to your On Demand and rent this.  You’re welcome.

B5-TAKEN_SA_C_^_SATURDAY

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